Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just googled if crying burns calories
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
