i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
