So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
