if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
