I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
