So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
