sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
