I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
