AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
