I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
