quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
