I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
