i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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