I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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