Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
