I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize