He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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