oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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