i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
