It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
