Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
