my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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