just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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