You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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