Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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