I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
