you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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