I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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