Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
