i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
