There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize