All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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