tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize