drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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