the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
