2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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