i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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