This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
