So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
