Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
