She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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