I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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