I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
