i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
wow bdsm is so cute
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
