I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
