i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
