I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
