So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
