I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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