i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
