connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
