Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
