R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
