I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
