Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
