and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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