Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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