I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
