margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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