in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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