Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
