Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
