Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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