Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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