I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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