just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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