i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
