dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
