my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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